guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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