I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
