she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
