please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
