He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
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