watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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