Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
