He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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