I will die if light touches me.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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