I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
