I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
pray to the hookup gods
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
