his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
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