when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize