I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
