Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
