Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
And then my night got REAL pukey
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize