no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
