I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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