Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
