i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
