If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
