quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
