Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
