So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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