Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
