We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
