i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
And then he peed in my hair
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