do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize