so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
