Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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