Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Need sex. Gaining weight.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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