She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
