didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
