Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Randomize
