I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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