he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
