I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
