I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
