she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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