Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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