the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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