I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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