just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize