textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
