Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
