How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
