I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
