My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
