I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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