If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
