she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
