I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
