i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
