so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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