i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
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