i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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