420 ftw
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
