it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
