I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
