RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
