Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
