then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Randomize
