I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You are the jesus of drinking
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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