Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
